Bye bye books; See you, 'zines

In case you're not aware of it yet, I'm pretty nuts about books. I went through this weekend and did a count of the books I own, something I should have done a while ago, and came up with about 380. I was a little surprised, actually, because it seemed like it should have been a higher number. I went through and sorted out a bunch of books to get rid of (some textbooks, some paperback fiction I'm not likely to read again, some children's books I'm not all that attached to) and then counted how many I was donating - 60, nearly one sixth of my library. That figure made me a little sad, but also very proud. I have an incredibly hard time getting rid of books and I'm finally thinning my collection so that I'll have an easier time of it when my husband and I move.

Here are a few tips for sorting through your library and seeing what you can pare down:

1 - Question Textbooks. I'm a pretty recent college grad and I wanted to keep a lot of my textbooks: they were expensive and shrugging them off seemed wrong. Well, I got a little bit lucky because I was a Lit major - there's no reason for me to give up my copy of the Riverside Shakespeare, even if it is a big, heavy textbook; I largely kept my Lit books, though several of the books on literary criticism and theory are taking a hike. I decided to keep my language texts and dictionaries because I'd like to be a better polyglot and those kinds of materials can be expensive. But there was absolutely no reason for me to hang onto things like civics books, algebra texts, or history books (though the Deadite in me knows that there's always a good reason to hang onto a chemistry text).

2 - Ditch Duplicates. Shakespeare is a good example here too. I own the Riverside Shakespeare, which is a comprehensive, annotated, and criticism-filled collection of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets. I also own the Barnes and Noble Collected Works of Shakespeare. I also own Hamlet, Othello, The Merchant of Venice, and Macbeth as Arden editions. I also own Hamlet, Othello, Romeo and Juliet, and Much Ado About Nothing in a cheaper format. I also own Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, and King Lear in a tragedy collection. By my count that is a total of 5 copies of Hamlet. I'll try to make due with two copies from now on, and let the rest go into a donation box. But maybe you're not as crazy as me - maybe you've got a Jane Austen collection and another copy of Emma that someone gave you as a gift. Maybe you've got a copy of Moby Dick from high school and another copy that you needed for college. What I'm saying is make sure you know what you own so that you can donate or trade duplicates.

3 - Soberly and seriously ask if you're ever going to read this particular book again. There are some books that I'm not going to read again, and if I do read them I'll just get them on my kindle and not bother storing them. I freaking hated Wuthering Heights. I'm not going to read it again, if I do read it it won't be for years, and I can get a free download of it as an e-book so there's no need for me to keep a book that I don't particularly like just because it will look good on my shelf. There are a LOT of people who buy books because they want to round out their libraries, and that is utter bullshit. No one is going to think less of you for not having a beautifully bound copy of The Iliad on your shelf, but I will TOTALLY judge you for having it and not reading it. Don't be a Gatsby, please actually read the books you own.

4 - Figure out if the book is in a readable condition. I don't exactly know why but I tend to end up with a lot of dissolving books. Some dissolved books would be difficult to replace (things that are out of print, like children's books from the 1950s for example) and so you may want to hang on to them, but other books will be pretty easy to replace. If you've got a Stephen King book that had the glue fall apart because it was left on a dashboard, replace it. It'll be less frustrating to buy a new copy than to keep the old copy collected in one place.

Getting rid of the books was NOTHING compared to cleaning up my magazine collection.

I'm a page designer; it's my number-one hobby and the best thing I've ever been paid for. I have worked for newspapers and magazines laying out pages, editing stories, taking photos, and writing articles, and the magazines have always been my favorites.

I spent 4 semesters as a magazine art director in college, then started a magazine with a bunch of my friends when I graduated. I was on my high school yearbook for 3 years and spent all of that time making the pages look as utterly badass as possible. Basically I've been designing magazines and magazine-style layouts for twelve years now.

All of that got started when I went to a yearbook camp and one of the instructors told me to check out Details (with my parents' permission - I was only fifteen and Details has some things that many might consider to be inappropriate reading material for a 15-year-old). So anyway, I looked up Details and holy shit you guys, that was a REALLY awesome magazine in the early 2000s. I ended up with a subscription and when I was tidying up I realized that I had ended up with about 100 200-page magazines full of men's fashions and tit-shots. I also ended up with two copies of my last two high school yearbooks, about 20 copies of each of my junior college magazines, a giant stack of newspapers full of cartoons I'd drawn and articles I'd written, a year's worth of Communication Arts Magazine that was my graphic design class textbook, two years' worth of print-resolution layouts on my laptop, and about 100 11x17 posters with magazine or chapbook covers on them. And on top of all of that I've got bits and pieces of my design box floating around - little pieces of great advertising or design or cool images that I hoarded over the years so that I could eventually gather them in one place and have a completely badass portfolio to pull design inspiration from.

And I had to get rid of almost all of it.

Book are heavy, everyone knows that. But magazines are heavier. When I looked around at the pile of magazine detritus that was hanging out, I felt like I was drowning in glossy pages and card stock. I ended up hauling well over a hundred pounds worth of magazines into a garbage can that was too heavy for me to pull out to the curb.

It was so, so hard to part with copies of the magazines and yearbooks that I'd had a part in, but I didn't need ten copies of the Fall 2008 issue of the FC Torch - I need, maybe, A copy. Not ten, and so somewhere between fifty and a hundred Torches ended up in a garbage can. I for sure don't need two copies of all of my high school yearbooks - they're huge and heavy and I still remember the bruises I got unloading those fuckers from the truck the day they were delivered; I don't need the same book making the same bruises when I box it up and move into a new life. So I gave a copy to my parents and have one set tucked away for me.

All but two of the Details (those with Daniel Radcliffe on the cover) got pitched, and as a compromise I let myself keep Communication Arts - but I've also been pitching my design box as I find chunks of it because CA acts like a nicely printed and bound version of a design box.

Here are some of the things I learned cleaning up my magazine collection, and some tips for paring down your own:

1 - You don't need the entire print run of a magazine. If you're saving all of the issues of a magazine because you like the style of photography they use, the type of features they write, or the layout of the pages, don't save every copy. Flip through (quickly) and isolate the best examples of whatever it is you like and keep only those issues.

2 - You don't need an entire magazine for a single article. If you've kept the whole January 1983 issue of Vogue for thirty years because it has one fantastic spread, consider cutting the spread out of the magazine and ditching the rest. A three-ring binder with sheet protectors will do a lot of good for you when it comes to cleaning up a collection - especially if you're saving magazines for things like recipes; why save 200 pages when you only need one? Snip out the recipe you want and build a cookbook instead of hanging on to a whole issue, and even if you like a lot of the recipes or articles in a magazine you probably don't want to keep all of the ads.

3 - Figure out what's important to you personally. One of the magazines I came across in my cleanup was the issue of Time that came out the week George Harrison died. Another one was a random surf magazine that inspired a lot of my design. I'm a big Beatles fan, but I don't need to hang onto that Time anymore; the surf magazine was more personally important to me even though Harrison's death was a really big deal to me when it happened.

4 - Desperate times call for drastic measures. Did I mention that I had over 100 issues of Details? Or that I had close to 200 Mad Magazines from three different decades? Or that I had at least 20 copies of each of my college magazines? And that I had at least 100 various Spin, Real Simple, Martha Stewart Living, Communication Arts, Guitar World, Time, Newsweek, and New Yorker magazines? My magazine collection weighed almost twice as much as I do. I kept telling myself that some of these could be sold, some of them could be donated, and some of them could be kept. I told myself that for two years. I was delusional about them. So I had to make one very simple rule for myself: If my magazine collection is too heavy for me to pick up and carry all at once and all by myself, it is too big. That's all there is to it. I am the kind of person who gets obsessed with magazines and if I don't keep that impulse in check I'm going to get attached to and hoard magazines again until I'm once more up to my ears in unread back-issues.

Please, please, if you collect things, any kind of thing, take a good look at your collection and figure out whether you're in control of the collection or if it's in control of you. Don't give a bunch of space to something that starts to edge you out of your life - it's time for you to assert yourself over that collection if that starts to happen.

Anyway, after all the drama of books and magazines, this is a pretty good picture of what my cleanup is like right now - I've gone through and removed most of the immediately recognizable junk and it's now time to get through the major re-sort, the final step in my plan before actually packing.

Next up for discussion: tidying, organizing, and trashing/donating crafting supplies.

Bag Count so far:
Trash bags - 25
Donations - 18 bags, a boogie board, and a bed.
Memory Book - 6 1gal storage bags
Real Day Count - 13-15
40 Day Task Count - 27

Breaking up with old art supples

This is my second blog about 40 Bags in 40 days, the first can be found here.

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I'm doing a massive cleanup project at my house and my parents' house. It's an interesting combination of nightmarish and really, really liberating. Nightmarish because I can't believe how bad I let things get (and no, I didn't take photos because it's too shameful), liberating because I feel less weighed down by what I own as I'm able to get rid of it.

 My room as it was last week had one organized area - the closet that I had emptied and sorted through when I needed to store wedding/bridal shower presents in 2011. Because I had moved out, my room sort of became a storage space - my dad cleaned out his office and boxed up his laserdisc collection and moved them into my room to get them out of his way. Unfortunately this largely blocked access to the areas of my room that I needed to get to. But all that meant was that I had to have a plan to attack the room. I couldn't just go in blind and try to force space - there was no space to force; I had to systemically remove crap from the room and then minimize the floorspace that the other stuff took before I could really get anything done. So first I sorted through the stuff on top of, under, and at the foot of my bed before disassembling the bed and standing it up on end. After that I lugged the containers full of laserdiscs into the corner and out of my way so that I had some good floorspace to use for sorting (as well as for the ever-growing trash bag).

The current state of the room isn't any more liveable than it was before, but it is much more useable and as more space clears up I'm able to clean and sort more quickly. The only reason this is a problem is that I've now reached my art desk and (as every single artist you know will tell you) it's REALLY hard to get rid of art supplies and old art.

Art is an expensive hobby; the cost of art supplies is actually part of what drove me to crafting - a single tube of acrylic paint costs twice as much as a skein of acrylic yarn and you never need just one tube of paint for a painting. The cost of supplies is a huge part of why it's hard to get rid of them - you know how much you paid for your paint or your paper or your canvas, and you might want to use it again someday, so it's hard to throw it away or donate it because it feels like you're just shoving money into a garbage bag.

If you happen to have a huge stash of art supplies that you need to clean up or move from one state to another, here are some tips for paring down your collection:

1) Figure out if the supplies are in good shape
Paint dries up and separates, markers dry out, brushes lose bristles, crayons and pastels break, ink and turpentine evaporate, nibs bend, paper warps and tears, and canvases get stained. Look at your supplies carefully and if anything is in less-than-perfect condition throw it out. You don't need a box of broken crayons or a canvas with a rip down the center, and you sure don't want to pat to move or store it.

2) Consider the cost of replacement versus the cost of moving
I'm not a marker person - I don't buy nice markers, I by shitty markers meant for kids. It is not reasonable for me to move a bunch of half-dried, cheap markers when I could simply replace them at my destination.

3) Ask yourself if it's difficult to store the supplies
Watercolors are fantastic - they're totally inert until you add water and they don't take up much space in the meantime. Acrylic is fantastic in the short term - if you're only storing it for a year or two it'll stay pretty safe and isn't likely to leak, but it is completely useless if it dries up; the same is true of oil paints. Crayons and oil pastels are super easy to store, chalk and charcoal are subject to breakage and create dust that gets all over everything. What do you want to live with in your storage or moving? I'm probably going to end up with watercolors, some acrylics, oil pastels, and pencils - everything else is too much trouble to pack and move.

4) Ask yourself if you still use it, or if it will still be good when you want to use it next
I haven't painted with oils in about fifteen years. My oil paints are probably completely destroyed by this point and need to be disposed of since I'm not likely to use them again. I haven't painted with watercolors in about five years, but when I do want to use them again they'll still be in good shape so they're worthwhile to keep.

5) Figure out if there's somebody who could use it better than you will
I found a big box of tempra paints, markers, colored pencils, and crayons. None of them are worthwhile for me to move, but my mom's classroom might get some use out of them: if you have cheap (NON-TOXIC) supplies that are easy to replace, see if there is a school or a child in your life who might have some fun with it. (Again, safe is the biggest issue here - you DO NOT give any supplies with cobalt, cadmium, or any other heavy metals to children, don't give them to adults without warnings about the toxicity and don't throw them in the trash - they are considered hazardous waste. Find someplace to safely dispose of them by searching This Website).

Getting rid of or consolidating art is another issue altogether - each piece is a concentrated memory, a footnote of a day or a year, heavy with meaning. A lot of what I've found so far has been abominably bad art and I'm not sure what to do with it but I do feel like I should document all of the pieces that I'm not going to keep, so I'm setting the art aside to photograph before I either discard it, donate it, or give it away.

But here's what I've figured out so far about keeping or paring down art:

1) For complete works on small sheets of paper, you may as well keep them. It's nice to have a record of your progress as an artist, and a piece of paper is easily stored. I have a large three-ring binder with sheet protectors in it - anything that is approximately the size of a sheet of letter paper will fit in it and a binder doesn't take up much space.

2) For small sketches, either add them to your memory book (as I mentioned in my last post, it's not as complicated as a scrapbook, more versatile than a photo album, and it's nice to have different sorts of things from page to page) or throw them away. DON'T keep duplicates - if you have a sketch of something and a finished piece, keep the finished piece and discard the sketch.

3) For larger pieces, decide whether or not they're good enough to keep. You can always take pictures of a large canvas and keep the photo instead of the original piece. If you don't want to bother storing, transporting, or displaying a large piece try to either sell it on Etsy or see if any of your friends or family would be interested in keeping it - there are several paintings that don't mean much to me or aren't a good representation of my skills, but do a lot to liven up my Mom's classroom. I will say that I'm a little torn on one - it's a nude self portrait that I don't feel comfortable donating and isn't very good, but I'd feel pretty bad about throwing it away. I may end up cutting the canvas away from the frame and simply rolling it up and hiding it somewhere.

4) For full sketchbooks, absolutely keep them. One more book on a shelf is no burden, and it's wonderful to pull out an old sketchbook and flip through to see where you were whenever that book was made (a few years ago one of my sketchbooks was destroyed by my dog, and even though I was able to take pictures of a lot of the drawings I still regret losing the whole of the book). For incomplete sketchbooks, it depends. If it's spiral bound or has tear-out pages, remove what you like and add it to a binder with sheet protectors and donate the remainder of the book. If it's a perfect-bound book, fill it the hell up! Get drawing, people.

5) For sculptures, look up shipping rates and custom crate costs - it's freaking hard to move sculptures and it can be really expensive. If you DO choose to keep your sculptures, try to have them moved professionally.

I get the feeling that going through the rest of my art crap is going to take me a pretty long time. I'll try to be ruthless but it's pretty hard - it feels like I'm walking away from a part of me.

After that I've got a giant pile to start sifting through, so here's hoping that it moves pretty quickly.

I'll keep you posted.

Cheers,
     - Alli

Bag Count so far:
Trash bags - 12
Donations - 10 bags, a boogie board, and a bed.
Memory Book - 4 1gal storage bags
Real Day Count - 8
40 Day Task Count - 10

I own way too much crap, time to fix that

I've been learning about Pinterest recently. It still seems like freaky voodoo magic to me most of the time, but I periodically find an interesting recipe or a nifty craft or an incredibly helpful household project. The best thing I've found so far in March has been the 40 bags in 40 days decluttering plan, so that's what I'm writing to tell you about.

Here's a little bit about me:

I live with my in-laws. When I got married in 2011 my husband and I thought that we'd be moving out of state within six months, so I didn't bother moving everything out of my parents' house and to my new home because I thought I'd have to do it all over again. Flash forward and three years later I'm still in the same spot and I still haven't packed up my room; I liked the ability to drive half a mile away and still have someplace set up for me. But the time has come, at long last, for me to get my shit in order. Even if we aren't moving soon I own too much junk and it's well past time to pare down so I'm systematically going through my room at my parents' house, as well as through all the spaces I occupy at my in-laws' house, and getting rid of everything I don't actually need. It's crazy how liberating it feels.

The 40 days plan is simple - the site I linked to has downloadable forms with blank spaces for each of the days. You write out what area you're going to attack and what your plan is for the stuff in that area in each of the blanks, then you go to each of those places and fill up bags of trash and donations. It's recommended that you only do one space per day, but I'm getting a lot done each day because I want to limit the amount of time I'm spending turning my parents' house into a landfill.

So far I've learned a lot about myself and about what makes for an effective decluttering attempt, so here are some tips for you:

1 - MAKE A PLAN: Sit down and think out a reasonable plan of attack when you ARE NOT looking at the room you're decluttering. My plan for my bedroom started at the foot of the bed, moved to the top of the bed, then under the bed, then to disassembling the bed and getting it out of the way. I think if I'd actually been standing in my room, taking in the magnitude of the mess that I was looking at, I never would have gotten past the foot of the bed. Instead I stuck to my plan and the bed is disassembled and taking up only 25% of the floor space it was when I started (it's probably getting tossed at the end of the project.)

2 - SORT SMART: One of the problems that I tend to have when I'm cleaning is that I'll find myself getting wrapped up in one of the books that I find, or digging around for an earring to make a set with the one that I've just found. Not this time. I'm traveling through my junk quickly and ruthlessly with several bags in tow. I have a bag for trash, a bag for Goodwill donations, a box for things that I'm keeping, and a small plastic bag for memorabilia. Anything I'm keeping can be sorted out later so I don't worry about it in the moment - just get things out of sight and out of mind so that you can move on to the next item. When one of your bags for donations or trash gets full take it out of the room you're working in and get a new one. When your box for "to keep" gets full put it somewhere out of the way and get a new one.

3 - MAKE A MEMORY BOOK: This is nothing so complicated as a scrapbook, nor anything as simple as a photo album. This is a disorganized jumble of small stuff that makes up a big part of your personality. I had started making my memory book about five years ago and then lost it in the junk of my room. Thankfully it was one of the first things that I found when I started tidying up. Mine is full of matchbooks and business cards and drawings I made and newspaper clippings and pogs and birthday cards and all manner of things. Anything that I find that is relatively flat and has some kind of sentimental meaning for me gets slapped on a page with other things that have meaning for me. You don't need to save the whole novelty tie someone gave you as a gag gift, you only need to save a swatch of the fabric. You don't need a dedicated box for movie tickets, you can scatter them among your other memories. I highly recommend the "magnetic page" type photo albums for this - they're large enough for almost any photo or card size, they don't require any glue or tape or photo corners, they take an enormous amount of abuse, they hold a tremendous amount of stuff, and they're cheap as hell. You can find them for under fifteen dollars at Amazon.Com. I've reduced entire boxes of stuff to a single gallon-size ziplock bag for my memory book, then reduced that ziplock bag to twenty pages in my book. It's seriously one of the best space savers I've ever found.

Things that I've learned about myself:

1 - I draw on everything. In some ways this is awesome, because I'm looking through all of these old notebooks and I get to go "oh yeah, I am a good artist" every few minutes. In other ways it's terrible, because I want to save all of this crap. Lots of stuff is getting cut up and put in my memory book so I don't drown under the sheer volume of sketches.

2 - I took photos of everything. I've found ten envelopes of photos, two canisters of negatives, and five photo albums and I'm only six days into my cleanup. Once again, more stuff for the memory book.

3 - I was lucky to make it to adulthood. A lot of the stuff that I'm finding suggests that I was a little shit until I was at least eighteen or nineteen years old. I'm pretty sure my parents thought about strangling me on a regular basis and, while I'm glad they didn't, I don't blame them.

4 - I have a bizarre obsession with rocks. I don't know where most of these rocks came from, but I've found at least twenty rocks of various sizes, shapes, and textures. I know I still periodically pick up and pocket rocks, I have no idea why. Most of these have been put out in the garden as I come across them, but I'm still having a hard time tossing some of them away, which is stupid because they're just rocks. 

5 - About 50% of what I own is books. 50% of the rest of the stuff is notebooks. 50% of the stuff after that is rocks. I made a pile of books to donate to my mom's classroom and have classified two boxes as "to keep" but so far I've found about 100 books and I'm not even close to the side of my room where the bookshelves are. I'm probably going to have to have a serious book-sort at the end of this project, and see if I can find a used bookstore where I can do some sort of trade.

I'll post photos as I go along, and at the end of the project I'll do a photo of my truckbed loaded up with all of my donations.

Bag Count so far:
Trash bags - 7
Donations - 6 bags, a boogie board, and a bed.
Memory Book - 2 1gal storage bags

Cheers,
     - Alli

The concept of accomplishment and New Year's Resolutions

Pre-Victorian England had some pretty gigantic flaws when it came to the way women were treated and used, but there was one aspect of raising women (and, to an extent, men) in that era which seems to have fallen by the wayside to our general detriment - the idea that being accomplished is an attractive trait and should be cultivated; in fact I think it needs to be brought back bigger, better, and for both sexes.

Everyone should be accomplished. Everyone should have at least a skill or two (or many, many more) that they can look at and say "I am good at doing this, and being able to do this increases my sense of self-worth as well as my value to others."

I have rarely made any New Year's Resolutions that have proved to have any value. A few years ago I resolved to not buy anything that was not strictly necessary - the resolution lasted for six months, saved me a great deal of money, and helped to establish a sense of frugality in me; thus far it has been my best resolution. Last year I made four resolutions: to be able to do hand-stand pushups, to publish an article on Cracked.Com, to improve my command of German and French, and to walk the distance from Hobbiton to Isengard (1664) miles by the end of the year. Well, my doctors have told me that because of my poor damaged back I should never do hand-stands (and rarely do push-ups), I have started this blog instead of trying to publish on Cracked, my German is much better (when reading) and my French is slightly improved, and I've walked 513 miles in 2013. While I have not done everything that I wanted to, I have made steps in the right direction and continue to strive for improvement and, I think, continue to improve.

I don't actually like New Year's Resolutions - it's a system that is set up for failure. People either think "oh, I messed up on the second day, I might as well quit now" or "I have a whole year, there's no need for me to get started yet" when it comes to meeting their goals. It is because of this that I propose accomplishment as a goal: determine to improve the accomplishments you already have and to introduce yourself to at least one new skill or idea each year and decide whether or not you'd be interested in mastering it.

There are a few things I'm working on now - I'd like to be a better poet, better writer, better artist, better photographer, better dancer, better musician, more efficient employee, improve my financial habits, improve my health, and explore new things. None of these are binary resolutions, and none of them are mutually exclusive. I can do all of these things at once, focus on them for a week at a time each, or ignore some for now and focus on the things that need the most work. Best of all, there's no failure - if I work at all, even only for one day this year, to get better at dancing then I will be better at dancing than I was before.

So that's my proposal for mating Accomplishment with Resolution: determine what you like about yourself and do more of it, determine what you don't like about yourself and to less of it, and overall attempt to make yourself into your own vision of an ideal human.

Don't go with the "lose weight," "go to the gym," "eat a salad for lunch," resolutions - those are cheap and stupid and likely to fail. Instead resolve to be a better version of yourself and work on the things that you enjoy in order to make it happen.

A final note on accomplishment - one of my favorite Heinlein quotes is as follows: "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

There is no expiration date on self improvement. You can always learn to do something, and what you do know how to do you can always learn to do better.

So happy New Year, go forth and kick ass.
Cheers,
     - Alli

A Pocket Manifesto

I was going to promise not to rant but then I realized that I feel pretty strongly about this incredibly minor (to most people, seriously suggestive of overarching cultural problems to me) issue. Here's the deal: sexism is still a thing. Sure, almost any woman in most developed nations can hold almost any kind of job, and yes, there are repercussions for overt sexism, but women the world over (and anyone who doesn't exclusively conform to the gender binary) still have to cope with sexism on a daily basis.

What I want to discuss in this post is implicit sexism - not something that comes from an individual standing up and saying "you don't get X because you are a woman" or "women don't deserve Y" or "get back in the kitchen" (which some normal, otherwise intelligent people STILL don't view as sexism), just something that hovers almost below your consciousness. Something that makes up the background radiation.

By the talented David Willis from his comic Shortpacked.

I have a problem with pockets. Specifically the lack of reasonably useful pockets on women's clothing; none of my dresses and only one of my skirts have pockets, none of my shirts have pockets, and all of my pants have pockets but none of those pockets are big enough to even fit my cell phone. There is a dearth of functional pockets in women's clothing and while my own small selection of clothes is only anecdotal evidence, if you ask most of the women in your life I think you'll find that they seem to be missing pockets too.

I've been a bit of a grind about this subject for about a month now. I'm starting to get eye-rolls from some of the people in my life when the subject of pockets comes up. The most common response I get it that "no one is stopping you from buying clothes with pockets," which is something that I've also seen in response to other women who have written about this pocket problem. That is just not true - there is an entire industry (fashion) and a standard business dress code that is keeping me from buying clothes with pockets.

If I wear men's pants they fit at my hips but not at my waist and there is a painful wad of excess fabric between my legs; if I wear men's shirts I either end up with too much fabric around the waist that gets in the way or no room for my breasts; and if I wear men's clothing at all to work I am in violation dress code - what looks neat and professional on my male coworkers looks sloppy and wrong on me because it doesn't fit my body shape. If I try to find women's clothing with a similar number of useable pockets as men's clothing has I get nothing, clothing for children, or winter-wear as my only options. My problem here is not with the concept of gendered clothing but rather with the concept of over-gendered clothing, the idea that clothing for women not only has to be cut to fit women, but must also be identifiably female and meant to showcase the female body with no functionality to distract from the display.

Let me back up a bit. The thing that first REALLY brought the issue of pockets to my attention was a dog jacket. The two that I found were identically sized and constructed, obviously the boy/girl versions of the same jacket, except that one was pink and purple with a floral pattern and the other was gray and green with a pattern of stars and bones. The latter had a pocket. I stood in the aisle and fumed for a second, then took a minute to make sure that I wasn't being completely (only partially) crazy. The same manufacturer had gendered versions (but no neutral versions) of every jacket and sweater on the rack. I wasn't seeing the male gendered jacket and ignoring an out of stock female gendered jacket. The boy jacket and girl jacket were identical except for the color and the inclusion of a pocket on the male version of the clothing. For dogs.

Dogs don't need pockets. They don't have thumbs, they don't carry keys, they don't need someplace to stash a cell phone.

Humans, however, DO need pockets. And the fact that I was able to find a jacket made for male dogs that had a functional pocket when I am unable to find a cardigan for female humans with a pocket literally felt dehumanizing, and THIS is where I have a problem with the concept of over-gendering clothing.

Women's clothes are missing pockets and I wanted to find out why. There are a variety of explanation (women are silly and carry a huge amount of frivolous junk, men wanted to increase women's dependence, female privacy wasn't valued or was considered dangerous in the good old pre-Victorian days), but the modern rationale on minimal pockets comes down to one insulting excuse: to include pockets in women's clothing would ruin the line or the hang of the garment.

Here are the two major issues that I have with that STUPID FUCKING ARGUMENT that I've heard so much of in the last few weeks:

The first problem is that just because I was born a woman, with breasts and hips that do not fit in men's clothing, does not mean that I am an object on display to be looked at. The lines of a sculpture can be ruined, the lines of a painting can be ruined, the lines of a photograph can be ruined; these things are art, and while they may be nice, they are not functional. You never hear anyone bitching about the ruined lines in shipping containers or 747s or forks or pencils or fucking dog jackets because they aren't meant to be pretty, they're meant to be functional; clearly, if the lines of a garment are what we're worried about, we're worried about how that garment makes the person wearing it look. Christian Dior (one of the men responsible for reshaping women's fashions in the latter half of the twentieth century) once said "Men have pockets to keep things in, women for decoration," which sounds an awful lot like "men are meant to work hard, women are meant to look good."

The second problem that I have with this argument is that it operates under the assumption that men are clever enough not to overfill their pockets but women aren't. This belief is fairly pervasive and is built on what seems to be deliberate misunderstanding of pocket distribution and more unfortunate side-effects of fashion (and occasionally biology). Men don't tend to overfill their pockets because they HAVE pockets - a pair of men's jeans always has a minimum of four and sometimes as many as eight distinct pockets, most of which are large enough to contain an adult human hand. Women's jeans sometimes have as many as five pockets, and usually no fewer than three, but rarely are these pockets large enough to securely hold a small cell phone. A men's blazer or coat always has at least two large pockets, and sometimes as many as four. A women's blazer frequently has no pockets, and I've never found one that has more than two. This is all the more frustrating because men have less to carry day-to-day than women do. Men, at a minimum, are expected to carry their wallet, cell phone, and keys. Women carry their wallets (which are almost all significantly larger than men's wallets), cell phones, and keys but may also have to carry tampons or pads, birth control pills, and many also carry makeup (which in some cases they have to, at least if they want to be considered competent). Even if you strip away the tampons, birth control, and makeup and give a woman a man's wallet, you still have the same baseline level of stuff with significantly less pocket space.

In fact, here are a few quick comparisons using my clothing and my husband's clothing along with a very typical women's wallet:

1st row: Women's slacks rear pocket versus men's slacks rear pocket (front pockets not featured
     because the women's slacks had no front pockets).
2nd row: Women's fleece front pocket versus men's fleece front pocket (photo in the men's pocket
     features wallet outside of the pocket because it was completely hidden by the pocket).
3rd row: Women's jeans rear pocket versus men's jeans rear pocket.
4th row: Women's jeans front pocket versus men's jeans front pocket (photo in the men's pocket
     features wallet outside of the pocket because it was completely hidden by the pocket).
5th row: Women's coat pocket versus men's coat pocket.

And just for shits and giggles, here's a comparison between the women's wallet that I used to carry and the men's wallet that I now carry (and have gotten a few derisive "butch" comments about):

So now we have a real-world, visual demonstration that women are expected to carry more (or at least larger) stuff in less space - unless they use a purse.

That is, of course, the other argument as to why women don't need pockets; they carry purses, so why should they have lots of bulky pockets cluttering up the lovely lines of their clothes?

Well, other than that purses are easily stolen and lost, prevent you from having your hands free when walking, make it easy to lose and hard to find small items, take up space, are expensive, can be trip hazards, and can actually injure their owners, I guess that purses are perfect and should be carried by everyone.

And that's why I really started paying attention to pockets - my doctor told me that carrying a purse was contributing to the back pain I've been living with for three years now, and that I shouldn't carry a purse at all if I could help it.

So what can you do if you want to get by without a purse? Men's clothing is only an option so much of the time, and women's clothing is woefully underpocketed - what are your options?

Well, the first thing to do is to get angry, and the second thing to do is take action. I've decided that pockets are my New Year's resolution. I'm refusing to buy women's clothing that doesn't have a comparable number of pockets to similar men's clothing, and I'm refusing to buy or carry purses. In the US it's hard to underestimate the power of the consumer - if enough women are willing to pay for pockets and are willing to punish the manufactures who exclude pockets from their designs by not giving them your hard-earned money, eventually we can make a change.

If you'd like more pockets in your wardrobe, Scottvest is a clothier that sells wonderfully pocketed clothes for women and men proving that pockets don't have to "ruin the line" of a garment. If you'd like to make a change in fashion, stop paying money to retailers who reinforce gender stereotypes and start paying only for what you want.

(*As hard as it is to find women's clothing that isn't made exclusively to objectify women, it's a million times harder to find clothing that steps outside the gender binary - support Trans* Positive retailers and support gender diversity wherever you find it.*)

Cheers,
     - Alli

Holiday indulgences and food allergies

It's the most wonderful time of the year to eat delicious candies and cakes and carb-heavy meals, as long as you don't have to deal with any food allergies.

See's Candies are making their rounds in my office right now, and tempting me horribly in spite of their corn starch and vanilla extract and maltodextrin and other things that I can't digest. Popcorn has been another popular corporate gift this year, with kettle corn and Harry & David Savory Popcorn varieties floating around ad nauseam.

I've mentioned before that food is a huge part of our culture, and it seems like this is more apparent than ever from the end of November until the beginning of January - everywhere you look there is something tasty being offered in the name of holiday cheer.

I tend to spend a lot of my time during the holidays glaring at food. The buckets of popcorn and cookies at the office, the scones at my family's Christmas tea party, the puddings at restaurants, and the white chocolate mochas everywhere that coffee is served have all been subjects of my recent ire.

But, in spite of all the foods that people with allergies can't eat, there are options out there.

Seriously, purple chocolate is amazing. Photo by Alli

My wonderful husband has just returned from a trip to Washington, where he procured me a lovely box of chocolates. I've been there with him a few times before, and on one of our journeys we discovered a wonderful shop called Galaxy Chocolates. The owner, Kathryne Paz, was incredibly patient with my questions and very helpful when it came to figuring out which of the ingredients I could and couldn't eat. If you're looking for chocolate either as a gift this holiday or just to indulge your sweet-tooth it's the place to go. Stop in if you're in western Washington, and if you're anywhere else, call and ask what's available to ship to you (my personal favorite is the lavender chocolate - it's unspeakably good). Failing all of that, if you have the money to spare please make a donation to Help Save Galaxy Chocolates - it's a tough world out there for a small business, and I know of few places as deserving of help as Galaxy Chocolates.

Another option for allergy-safe holiday treats is Happily Ever After Confectionery, a SoCal baking concern that is very compliant to customer wishes. Allergy-safe food comes at a pretty steep price, with a cost of about $4.25 per gluten-free cupcake and a minimum order of a dozen but it would be well worth it for a special occasion. One of the bakers remembered my allergies when they catered a wedding for a wheat and corn allergic bride, and gave me a cookie to sample from the spares - based on the evidence, the carefully-crafted allergy-safe wedding food was a success, and a tasty one at that.

And if you are truly paranoid, as everyone with allergies has a right to be, you can always try your own hand at crafting tasty treats.

This Scissor Candy recipe makes a nice treat for parties or year-round if you replace the Karo Syrup with brown rice syrup and make sure that you're using safe powdered sugar, flavoring, and coloring.

This Fudge Recipe works well with Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips and allergy safe condensed milk.

I'm working on a grain-free dressing/stuffing recipe - if it works out well, I'll post it here for everyone else to use as well.

Eat happy, eat safe,
Cheers,
     - Alli

The joy of recombinant cooking

Looks gross but isn't - Boxed gluten-free Mac'n'Cheese and a can of split pea soup turned into 

two surprisingly tasty lunches.

“Having now lived for a few decades in parts of the United States and Canada where cooking was treated quite seriously, and having actually employed professional chefs, he was fascinated by the midwestern/middle American phenomenon of recombinant cuisine. Rice Krispie Treats being a prototypical example in that they were made by repurposing other foods that had already been prepared (to wit, breakfast cereal and marshmallows). And of course any recipe that called for a can of cream of mushroom soup fell into the same category. The unifying principle behind all recombinant cuisine seemed to be indifference, if not outright hostility, to the use of anything that a coastal foodie would define as an ingredient." - Neal Stephenson, from Reamde

Recombinant cooking is a luxury that people with food allergies often can't indulge in but it is so prevalent in the US that almost everyone has a favorite recombinant dish - green bean casserole, rice krispy treats, or something from a crock pot. My favorite used to be something that my aunt had named "Wet Dog Chicken" in a fit of pique - Campbell's cream of mushroom soup, chicken breasts, and sour cream served over Uncle Ben's chicken rice, all cooked together in a crock pot for several hours until it smells faintly but unmistakably like a wet dog. Poor man's stroganoff, basically. Recombinant cooking is so popular that allergy cookbooks include recipes for home made versions of things like condensed soup and bouillon cubes so that you can get the out-of-the-box flavor with the made-from-scratch effort (basically the worst of both worlds).

Out of sheer boredom I recently started playing with the very few pre-made foods that I can eat and was pleasantly surprised with some of the tasty combinations that I found. Boxed Mac'n'cheese mixes very well with canned split pea soup to make a creamy, salty, and filling lunch. Canned vodka sauce can be poured over frozen haricots vert to make a savory side dish. Rice cakes, sunflower seed butter, and cranberry relish can be combined to make a reasonable simulacrum of a PB&J. Rice thins can have allergy safe chocolate chips melted on them to make a terrible parody of an oreo.

There aren't a lot of breaks for the food-allergic. We get left out at parties, thwarted by restaurants, and frustrated by the grocery store. On top of all of that it's not cheap to purchase allergy safe food, especially when you're dealing with something as basic as grain; I can get Kraft Mac'n'Cheese for a dollar a box but I have yet to find Annie's Gluten Free Shells and White Cheddar for less than $3.50, five pounds of all-purpose white flour sells for around $2.00 while 1lb of rice flour has a hefty price-tag in the the neighborhood of $4.00, Campbell's condensed soups are around $1.00 apiece but I have to pay $2.00 for 16oz of watery split pea soup - it's twice the price for half the food.

Because of the ridiculous prices for my food I don't like to throw any of it out. I'll freeze 3/4 of a jar of pasta sauce so that it won't go bad before I finish it. If I have less than a cup of rice pasta shells I'll throw them into a soup or casserole that I'm making. I've been eating cranberry relish with peanut butter for weeks now because I couldn't bring myself to throw out the relish left over from Thanksgiving when it cost $5.00 for a 18oz tub.

And now, largely because of boredom with my limited food options, I've started mixing odds and ends before they become odds and ends. A whole box of expensive mac'n'cheese got mixed with a whole can of expensive soup (as illustrated in the photo at the top of the post) just so that I could have something for lunch this week that wasn't exactly the same as what I have every week.

There are no ground rules when you have food allergies. I have yet to find a definitive set of practices to cook without wheat and corn and sesame while including eggs and tree nuts and milk. A lot of allergy-safe food is constructed to be all-or-nothing when it comes to the top 10 allergens so you end up with vegan food when you aren't a vegan, or nut free when you have no nut allergies. Because of this variance, I can't tell you what to mix together in your kitchen that will work with your allergies or diet or food philosophy, but I can tell you this: playing with your food is awesome. I had no idea, until just a few months ago, that chicken tikka masala mixes perfectly with leftover mashed potatoes. Just last weekend I ate an omelet with eggs, bacon, cheese, salsa, and more of that slowly dwindling cranberry relish - it sounds terrible and tastes great.

So play with your food; mix the store bought cans and boxes that you can have just to see what you can come up with, see if you can make some kind of Frankenlunch out of two night's worth of leftovers,
and try to cobble together a recipe for cookies out of what you have in your cabinets. Not all of your experiments will be successful, but they will teach you more about the properties and flexibility of the food that you're buying and successful or not it's important to have a break in the monotony when your diet is limited by your physiology.

Eat and Experiment Happy,
Cheers,
     - Alli

Factoids for a coffee addict.

Everyone I know knows about my shameful coffee addiction. Wherever I show up I'm clutching a 20-32oz cup, usually from McDonald's (don't you dare criticize - it's relatively strong coffee that tastes like coffee instead of maple nut crunch with blueberry notes and it's cheap), and hiding behind it. My iced coffee cups became something of a joke in my morning classes in college. I recently ran into a friend from elementary school whom I hadn't seen for a while; he asked what I was drinking and when I said coffee he responded: "Of course - you were the only 5th grader in the district who had to start her day with a cup of joe." My first job was at a coffee shop. My favorite job was at a coffee shop. I kind of have a thing for coffee.

Here is my Twitter user photo. I took this picture of a latte I made at a 2-day espresso training class with the 2008 US Champion Barista before she went on to get 2nd place in the Barista World Championship. The fact that I even know these sorts of things exist makes me a bigger geek about coffee than 60% of the west coast and 99% of the world.

When I recently found a list of which countries consume the most coffee per person, I had to see where I stand. Norway comes in at number one, with the average Norwegian using 23.6 pounds of coffee per year, or about a one pound bag every other week. The lowest country included was Ireland at 17th place, with each person using only a meager pound and a half of coffee a year (though they do drink the most beer). The US came in 12th, drinking 6.6 pounds worth of coffee each year (about 1/10th pound per week) though we were FAR AND AWAY bigger fans of soda, drinking 216 liters of soft drinks apiece each year.

Using my coffee shop experience as a baseline, I assumed 13g of ground coffee per 8oz of water to brew a pot of coffee. On average I drink 40oz of coffee per day which comes to 65g of ground coffee. Multiplied by 365 days, this gives me 23.725kg (or about 52 pounds) of ground coffee per year. I have to admit that I was a little startled to discover that I am consuming about a third of my weight in coffee annually.

So then I started thinking about fluid volume; if I consume 52 pounds of coffee, how many gallons do I drink? And what does that look like. Again using my 40oz a day as a baseline, my fluid coffee consumption comes out to about 114 gallons of coffee per year, or as much coffee as there is water in this fish tank (about 15 cubic feet):

The coffee I drink each year could support a tropical fish ecosystem,

 if it didn't kill them all first. Photo from RateMyFishtank.com

When I got over the fact that I could easily drown in the coffee I drink, I started to think about how much caffeine there is in all of that coffee. At 135mg per cup of coffee I consume about 8.7 ounces of straight caffeine annually, or enough to kill me 25 times over if I swallowed it all at once.

The cost of maintaining this coffee addiction is also a little overwhelming, coming to about $480 a year in coffee (minus shipping, filters, and cost of prep time) if I make it at home, or just over $1500 to go out and buy coffee at McDonald's (or about $1640 if I were to go to Starbucks, but I think their coffee tastes like boiled grapefruit rinds with smoke flavoring and tar so I don't go to Starbucks). In fact it's only about $300 less per year than a pack-a-day smoking habit (at least based on cigarette and coffee prices in SoCal).

So coffee is expensive and if you drink enough if it it will straight up kill you - why does anyone drink it? Well, apart from the fact that it is delicious, it's pretty addictive. I've tried to quit coffee before and oh man, the headaches were not worth it.

Besides that, I think that everyone should allow themselves some vices. Since I can no longer drink soda, eat cookies, or drink most of the fun alcohols in the world, I'll stick with my coffee. Something kills every one of us, coffee probably won't be it for me. And I'd rather have a daily coffee habit than spend all that money on clothes that will go out of style, or shoes that will hurt my feet - but maybe I'll cut back for a few months; my Jeep could use a new transmission.

Stay safe and stay hyper,
Cheers
     - Alli

Baking for people with grain allergies

Grain allergies suck because grain is such a huge part of a normal American diet. Everyone knows that it's hard to feed someone who is grain-allergic but most people stop thinking at the grain itself; they know that people with Celiac disease can't eat wheat, but they don't think about all of the peripheral baking items that contain wheat. Even worse is corn - corn is in freaking everything. So yes, of course, someone who is allergic to corn can't have corn on the cob, but that's not even close to the heart of the issue - corn allergies pop up in places that no one would expect them to, because who would know what kind of media the bacteria that produces Xantham Gum grows on (spoiler: it's corn) unless they were crazy or working for Big Xantham?

So if you have someone with one of the major grain allergies in your life, here are some things to look out for:

Corn - baking powder, vanilla extract, gluten-free flour mixes, xantham gum, powdered sugar, caramel coloring, food starch or modified food starch, dextrose, cellulose, natural flavors, generic "vegetable" (so if you see "vegetable oil" but not a list of ingredients it's probably corn), and decaf coffee or tea are common baking ingredients that contain corn. This is nowhere near a complete list, but it does cover the big ones for someone who is planning on baking for a corn-allergic friend.

Wheat/Gluten - spelt, bulgar, barley, rye, oats (unless certified gluten free), food starch or modified food starch, vanilla extract, natural flavors, maltodextrin, malt extract, malt flavoring (anything with the word "malt," really), beer, and grain alcohols are some of the more common items that contain hidden wheat.

I'm sure that list looks incredibly frustrating to a baker - I used to bake a lot so I should know. Baking or cooking for someone with a grain allergy is a gigantic headache, but there are a few ways to get past some of this stuff.

So anyway, here are some tips:

Ingredients

Alcohol - Here are the kinds of alcohol that people with grain allergies should avoid or consume only after checking for allergen ingredients:
Beer (wheat/corn unless otherwise specified)
Bourbon (wheat/gluten)
Brandy (caramel coloring in some brands)
Cordials/Liqueurs (corn syrup in many, neutral grain spirits in others)
Dark Rum (some dark rums are aged in whiskey barrels)
Fortified Wine (corn syrup)
Neutral Grain Spirits (made of grains)
Scotch (wheat/gluten)
Schnapps (corn/wheat)
Vodka (check carefully for potato vodka - some vodkas in the US are made with corn or wheat)
Whiskey (wheat/gluten)
Most wine is safe for people with wheat allergies, and some dessert wines do a good job of replacing spirits in a lot of recipes. If a recipe calls for any kind of brown alcohol, replace it with sherry. If it calls for any kind of sweet liqueur sherry or port will work depending on if you want vanilla or cherry notes. If you just need to set something on fire or burn off a high proof spirit, vodka works well.

Baking Powder - baking powder is made with baking soda and corn starch; there are potato starch baking powders available, but they can be quite expensive and are frequently out of stock. You can make a baking powder replacement by combining the following: 1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar and 1/4 teaspoon baking soda to replace 1 teaspoon baking powder

Brown Sugar - check for food coloring; some of it has caramel coloring in it and might make your friend sick. C&H light and dark brown sugar have both been effective for my baking needs.

Chocolate - if you're trying to make thumbprint cookies for your grain allergic friend, or a chocolate cake, make sure to read the ingredients on the chocolate as well as on the flours that you are buying. Most milk and bittersweet chocolate has vanilla extract in it and, barring calling the chocolate manufacturer to find out who supplies their vanilla extract and then calling the extract company and going over an ingredients list (a frustrating, time consuming, and likely useless proposition), there is no way to guarantee that the vanilla extract is safe for your friend. But there are a few kinds of chocolate that are reliably safe for corn and wheat allergies - Trader Joe's 72% Dark Chocolate Bars and Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips (can be found in the G-Free section of almost all Fresh & Easy stores) have short ingredient lists and you can always call your friend to double check before purchasing. For cocoa powder, Hershey's unsweetened is a stable option; any kind of unsweetened baker's chocolate will usually work too. 

Corn Starch - many recipes call for some kind of fine starch; potato starch or tapioca starch are widely available and can replace the allergen-based starch.

Corn Syrup - brown rice syrup can apparently work as a substitute for corn syrup; cornallergens.com also suggests this recipe to replace corn syrup: 1 cup corn syrup = 1 cup sugar plus 1/4 cup liquid (water, milk, or whatever other liquid is called for by the recipe)

Flour - Bob's Red Mill flour is available at most major grocery stores. The "gluten-free all purpose baking flour" is full of stuff that people with multiple grain allergies can't have, but oat flour, brown rice flour, and almond flour in a 2:2:1 ratio makes a palatable replacement for wheat flour or cornmeal. If you don't get almond flour (either because it is expensive or because your friend also has nut allergies) you can add 1 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon of butter (or shortening) to any recipe you're making - the texture is going to be off one way or another so adding more protein/fat at least helps to assure you that your baked treat will hold together when it comes out of the oven.

Honey - check the label to ensure that you're not buying honey syrup or honey-flavored spread or any of the other silly things people call honey flavored corn syrup.

Maple Syrup - make sure that you're buying pure, 100%, Grade A or B maple syrup. A lot of pancake syrup out there is maple-flavored corn syrup.

Molasses - check for corn syrup, artificial flavors, and caramel coloring. "Pure" molasses is usually safe but when you're dealing with someone with food allergies, you must always read the label.

Powdered Sugar - Vons Organics and Trader Joe's both have powdered sugar made with tapioca starch instead of corn starch, and Whole Foods carries a potato starch powdered sugar.

Vanilla Extract - don't use any food extracts unless you have made them yourself. I know it completely ruins the flavor to leave out the vanilla extract in a lot of baked goods, but extracts are either made with corn alcohol or bourbon, both of which may cause a reaction in people with very sensitive allergies (if a bottle of extract says natural  or pure vanilla it is a filthy liar and I hate it - it is vanilla and alcohol, sometimes with corn syrup mixed in just to piss me off). If you want to make your own extract purchase a 750mL bottle of 35% alcohol that is safe for your friend (vodka and clear rum work nicely), add your flavoring agent - two vanilla beans or one bunch of peppermint or ten unsalted almonds, whatever flavor you want to use (don't crush it or mash it - the alcohol will do a good job of dissolving it), and set it in a cool, dark place for two months. After two months, strain out the remnants of your flavoring agent, and pour your fresh extract into small, dark glass bottles; use in the same amount that you would use store-bought extract and weep over the fact that the food allergic can't have nice things without two months of planning (hope you didn't want to have those cookies done in time for Christmas). If you don't want to go to all that work, you can grind up a quarter of a vanilla bean and add it in place of extract in most recipes (please note that vanilla beans are really expensive).

White Vinegar - usually made out of corn alcohol. You can typically replace it with apple cider vinegar.

Xantham Gum - Lots of gluten free recipes call for xantham gum because the proteins in alternative flours aren't quite right and things end up binding together oddly. Unfortunately the vast majority of xantham gum isn't safe for people who are corn allergic because it is grown in a corn solution. Anyway, Guar gum doesn't work quite as well (and is expensive) but you can use it. Another option is to play with the eggs you use. If the recipe calls for eggs, whip them before introducing them to the batter and it'll help with the texture and the binding of the flour. You can also add an extra egg white or an extra teaspoon of butter to most recipes to help with the texture.

Safe Food Handling

Cross contamination - Yes, we can literally get sick from a wooden spoon or a scored cutting board. Before you start to cook for your grain-allergic friend clean all of the surfaces in your kitchen, making sure to remove any crumbs and flour spills from your counter top. Use non-porous surfaces, utensils, and bakeware; metal bowls, metal spoons, and so on.

Flouring Surfaces - If you're working with dough, you'll need to flour the surface you're working on, your rolling pin, and your hands. Please make sure to use a non-allergen flour to do this; it's surprising the number of people who space out on using safe flours AFTER they've mixed the dough.

Greasing pans - Grease pans with safe vegetable oil, butter, or lard - most aerosol sprays contain allergens.

Storage - Put your allergy-friendly food in sealed, airtight containers. And then maybe close them with packing tape. If you've made a whole batch of allergy-safe chocolate chip cookies, stored them in one giant container, and then your brother puts a layer of regular chocolate chip cookies on top of the allergy safe ones, the entire container is no longer allergy safe. If even one crumb fell down and got lodged in another cookie it is enough to provoke a very serious allergic reaction in some people. So clean your kitchen, bake any allergy safe foods first, then store and seal them before you get to any other baking project.

General Issues

Texture - Pretty much everything will have a funky texture when you switch from wheat or corn flour to an alternative flour. Things that are supposed to be light and flaky are the worst, while foods that are supposed to be dense have fewer problems. Almost everything will also be substantially more crumbly than you expect, so plan to cut large slices or make large shapes - a thin slice of g-free pie crust will dissolve, a thick slice with a shallower layer of filling works better (as does doubling up the dough on the bottom of the pie-pan); a delicate cookie-cutter teapot will fall apart or won't bake cohesively in the first place, but a simple circle or diamond will hold together pretty well. You may also want to over-grease the bottoms and sides of any baking dishes; it will prevent you from having to fight to unstick your baking, which results in a spectacular explosion of gluten-free crumbs surprisingly frequently. It's better to start with something dense - brownies and cakes translate pretty well into allergy safe foods, they are expected to be served in large chunks, and they aren't as hand-held as a cookie so crumbliness doesn't matter as much. Don't go into baking allergy safe foods and expect things to be light and fluffy; most of the things I bake these days resemble hockey pucks much more than they resemble clouds, though they do taste significantly better than either of those things.

Refusal - Don't be offended if your allergic friend refuses to eat the food that you have made for them. Please, please, don't be offended. We don't want to hurt your feelings, and we don't think that you would intentionally hurt us, but we know that you just don't understand what it's like. It took me a year and a half of constantly living with my food allergies to figure out the stuff listed here, and in that year and a half I've gotten sick from the food that I cooked for myself several times, as well as food that others cooked for me. I have had well-meaning friends pressure me into eating and drinking things that meant I got to spend more time with my toilet than with my friends. I have had relatives brush off the thought of cross contamination as paranoia and pickiness. I have had people assure me, "no really, it's fine, I checked" and after I take a bite say "what do you mean X has corn it in?!?" And these are all wonderful, kind people who know about me and are familiar with my allergies, all of whom want me to be able to participate and have a good time.

If you really want to cook for your grain-allergic friend, talk to them about it (seriously, don't spring it on them) and give them a complete list of the ingredients you need for your recipe. Ask them if there are any ingredients they are uncertain of, ask them for good substitutions (including stores where the substitution is sold and brand names) and ask them again after you've bought all the ingredients to read through the nutrition information with you. Maybe even ask to come over and cook for them in their kitchen, and try to make a fun day of it - if your friend participates and watches you following safe food handling rules, both of you are more likely to have a good experience and a nice treat at the end of the day.

We don't want to make you feel bad, we aren't trying to be cool loners with twisted guts and special diets. We just want to hang out with our friends for the holidays and maybe not spend the night before Christmas with visions of sugarplums dancing in the toilet bowl.

Happy almost holidays, be nice to each other out there.
Cheers,
     - Alli

67 ways to screw up your computer or your credit, and ruin your life

I don't know if I've mentioned it on the blog before, but I'm a receptionist/secretary/purchaser for a small tech company. We help businesses manage networks, and we help individual users unfuck their computers. These computers aren't broken, they aren't physically damaged, they are simply and thoroughly screwed up because of some Malware, Spyware, or Virus messing about with their system. Because I answer the phones, and because I'm relatively friendly on the phone, I hear a lot about how the computers we deal with came to be in such a pitiable state. Every day I answer dozens of calls about viruses and Malware, and in the hopes that my call volume will drop off a bit I have decided to list 67 ways that messing about online and with computers can seriously screw up your life. Please don't do any of these things.

Section One: Email

1 - Open attachments from strangers.
Never do this. Ever. Nothing good has ever come of opening something a stranger sent you. Just imagine every attachment you see in an email from a stranger is a package from the Unibomber.

2 - Open attachments from friends.
Before you open an attachment from someone you know, make sure they meant to send you that attachment. Maybe they did mean to send it and it's safe to open, maybe they opened an attachment from another friend that hijacked their inbox and sent this to you. Check first.

3 - Click on a link from a stranger.
If you were walking to work and a stranger shouted "Go down to Fourth and Main! No wait, I'll drive you!" would you go? Probably not, because most people don't get in cars with shouting strangers. Links in emails are the same - they say "GO HERE, NO DON'T BOTHER, I'LL TAKE YOU!"

4 - Click on a link from a friend.
Just like with attachments, you need to check and see if your friends or contacts meant to send you a link. Some links are safe, some are not. If the link is the only content of the email and you can see that it was sent to a bunch of people, the link is not safe. If the link is the only thing in the email other than "Check this out!" the link is probably not safe. Just ask before you click it, because "Hey, did you really mean to send me this link to spybottakeover.com?" is not an unreasonable question.

5 - Open unknown file types.
This may seem a little patronizing, but using a computer is a little like using a gun. If you know what you're doing, you can have a lot of fun. If you don't know what you're doing or don't know it's dangerous, you're going to shoot yourself in the foot. If someone sends you a file with an extension (the extension is the series of letters that follows the period in .jpg or .docx or .exe) you don't recognize, don't open it. Pretend you're a five year old, and it's a gun, and go get an adult to make sure it's safe before you touch it.

6 - Open .zip files.
.Zip files are either large files that have been compressed to be sent over email, several files compressed into a single .zip file to keep them together, or a great way to send malicious files in a neat bundle that starts running them as soon as you unzip the .zip file. Never, ever open a .zip file from someone you don't know personally or professionally, and always ask if they meant to send it to you before you open it.

7 - Open .exe files.
.Exe files are executable files - as soon as they are opened they begin to execute a program. Most casual internet users see them when they upgrade Adobe Acrobat and are told by the installation wizard to run "Acrobat9Upgrade4000.exe" as part of the installation process. If you are a casual internet user, this is just about the only time you should see .exe files, and the only time you should run them. Never run an .exe file someone sent you in an email.

8 - Ignore spam filters.
Every email client out there has some kind of spam filter. Use it. Set it for "moderate" protection, the kind that automatically ignores advertising emails and nonsense email addresses. If your spam filter picks most of the dangerous stuff out of your inbox before you even look at it, you have a lower chance of accidentally clicking on something that will damage your computer.

9 - Give your email address out everywhere.
I'm sure you've seen what I'm thinking of - quizzes that require demographic information and an email address before they send you your "Love IQ" or surveys that require an email address before they send you a free iPad. When you fill out these pages and give them your email address, it's only a matter of time before you start getting 10 new kinds of spam a day, at least a little bit of which is actually dangerous to your computer and privacy. If you insist on doing these types of quizzes or surveys, create a throwaway email address that you use only for applications that you expect to generate spam. Protect your real email address - think of it as your personal cell phone number. You wouldn't give out your cell number for a fortune cookie fortune or a lotto ticket, don't give out your email address for quiz results or a chance to win an iPad.

10 - Automatically open attachments.
I actually have a little trouble believing people still do this, but some email clients allow you to automatically open email attachments when you open an email. DO NOT DO THIS. Turn that function off forever, forget that it existed, and be happy with your less-messed-up computer.

Section Two: Phishing (Phishing happens in email as well as over the phone and on websites, so consider this as an extension of email security advice)

11 - Give out your PIN when asked for it.
No legitimate bank will ever call you on the phone, write you an email, or direct you to a website and ask for your PIN. Sometimes when YOU call your bank they will ask for your PIN or your SSN, but the important difference is that YOU called them and are (hopefully) sure that you are talking to your bank.

12 - Take phone numbers and web addresses at face value.
If you get an email from Wells Fargo asking you to reset your username and password, it is most likely BS. If you want to check and make sure that it is BS, call Wells Fargo or go to their website, but DO NOT USE THE PHONE NUMBER OR LINK IN THE EMAIL, or that someone gives you over the phone. That link in the email may be wellsfargo.com.tv and may be totally bogus. The number that someone gives you over the phone may be just as false and misleading. Go to the real website or call the real phone number (both will be on your credit or debit card) and ask if you really need to reset your username and password - they will tell you no, that it's a scam and never to reset your username and password because of an email from them.

13 - Reset your username and password because of an email.
This applies to banks, social media, schools, and pretty much anything online. If your password expires, as it does with some vending or financial websites, you will be informed of it by the website when you try to log in, not through an email. Again, this is the difference between you going to a website and using the URL you are familiar with or have bookmarked and allowing yourself to be directed to a scam site by an email.

14 - Allow someone to remotely access your computer.
Microsoft is a busy company. HP is busy. Google is busy. These companies will never, ever call you out of the blue to solve your problems. If someone calls claiming to be from Microsoft or some other large company and asks you to allow them to remotely access your computer, hang up on them. If they call you and ask you to install something on your computer, hang up on them. Microsoft and HP and other big tech companies have very good customer service - if you call them, they will stay on the phone with you until your problem is solved. If they can't solve it in one day, they will give you a case number, and when they call back they will refer to it. If some tech company calls you and they refer to a case number that you don't know, hang up on them.

15 - Give out your SSN when asked for it.
Once again, no one legitimate will contact you asking for your Social Security Number. There are a few places where it is appropriate to give it out online, such as on Financial Aid forms, but generally you should not give people your SSN online or over the phone. You should NEVER reply to an email asking for your SSN, type it into an advertisement, give it to someone calling you, enter it into a popup window, or send it in a text message. This is how identities get stolen.

16 - Give out your credit or debit card number when asked for it.
This is, once more, the difference between contacting a business and being contacted by a business. If you go to a website or call a business on your own to purchase something it is probably safe to give them your credit card number (though you should make sure the URL of the website starts with https rather than http before you enter the number, and make sure that you found the number or the site legitimately, not through an email or a bogus website. Google it if you aren't sure.)

17 - Give out personal information in a text message.
Text messages are the bastard children of the communications industry. Never give a company or a stranger any personal information through a text message.

18 - Trust people on the phone.
Social engineering  is the practice of contacting people and asking for information - it works more frequently than you might think. Maybe you get a call from a hospital, saying your grandson has been hurt and they need a credit card number before they can proceed with his surgery. Maybe you get a call from a credit card company and they say your account has been compromised and they need your SSN to prove that you are you and allow you access. Maybe you get a call from an IT company saying that the network at your office is down and they need your desktop or email password to get things up and running for you. One way or another, don't trust the people who are calling you and asking for sensitive information. If someone calls and says a family member is in trouble, call another family member to ask if it's true.

Section Three: Safe Surfing Practices

19 - Click on ads.
Ads are made to get our attention, whether they are real ads for real products or malicious ads meant to direct you to a dangerous website. I'm sure everyone has seen the shooting gallery ads, made to look like you're swatting a fly or knocking down a clown by clicking your mouse; likewise everyone has seen the ads that shake and jitter and flash letting you know that you're the millionth visitor to the site and you should click on the ad to claim your prize. Don't do it. It might try to get you to download something malicious or, take you to the most annoying website in the world, or just try to sell you something.

20 - Click on links you don't recognize.
Links are everywhere on the web and they are great, as long as you don't click the wrong ones. If you hover over the highlighted text in the paragraph above and look at the bottom left corner of your browser window, you'll see that it directs you to a YouTube video. Some links are left plain in the text (for example, this link to http://google.com actually directs you to Google) while others are meant to purposefully confuse people who click on them (for example this link to http://google.com takes you to the IMDB page of a terrible movie - if you hover over it you can look in the bottom left corner of your browser window and see where the link will send you.) So hover over links and think twice before you click on something that redirects to a page that you don't recognize or that seems suspicious.

21 - Use an outdated browser.
Web browsers are updated for a reason. Sometimes it's because they're faster and work better with new technologies, sometimes it's because the old version of the browser was less secure than the new version. Firefox and Chrome both update regularly with improved functionality and reduced vulnerabilities. If you insist on using Internet Explorer, please at least use the most recent version.

22 - Use outdated software.
Like browsers, software such as Adobe Acrobat is sometimes updated to make improvements to functionality and sometimes to make it more secure. Always use the most updated version you can of all the software that you have.

23 - Unthinkingly allow scripts to run.
Many webpages use scripts to run. Some of those scripts are malicious. Javascript in particular has a reputation for being used maliciously. If you use Firefox you can choose to disallow all scripts or temporarily enable scripts or allow all scripts from a particular website, which makes a potentially safer browsing environment.

24 - Unthinkingly allow cookies.
Some websites ask you to allow cookies. Sometimes this is beneficial and saves time by letting websites remember you and your habits. Sometimes this is problematic because it lets websites track you and your habits. If a website asks you to allow cookies, think very carefully before agreeing, and clear cookies occasionally.

25 - Agree to everything.
If you click "ok" or "agree" in every dialogue box that pops up on your screen, eventually you are going to agree to something really onerous. Consider before clicking yes and remember to read what you're agreeing to before you agree.

Section Four: Social Media

26 - Complete your "About Me."
Facebook gives you the option of telling people what school you went to, what cities you've lived in, and who your parents are. What are the most common security questions on the web? School mascot, the city you were born in, your mother's maiden name, and your father's middle name. If you fill out a public About Me and friend your parents, you've freely given out all of the information social engineers need to hijack your accounts.

27 - Tell everyone everything.
Thieves don't have to case a neighborhood in person before committing a robbery these days - they just have to check Facebook and Twitter. If you're telling the world at large that you're going to be out of town for two weeks and Tweeting pictures from the deck of your cruise ship, you are making your home a target. Share information selectively.

28 - Ignore privacy settings.
This relates to the previous two entries, as well as to everything you do on social media. The first thing you should do when setting up a new social media account is go to the privacy settings and make it as private as possible, requiring that you approve all of the people who will be reading your post. This not only protects you (to an extent) from opportunistic criminals, it protects you as a professional. No one has ever gotten fired because their profile was private or because they Tweeted too little. Plenty of people have been fired because of public posts and allowing friends to tag them in photos.

29 - Share metadata.
Metadata is the information in a digital photograph that is not the image itself. Digital cameras record the f-stop, aperture, time the photo was taken, and a whole bunch of other information. Digital cameras in cell phones and tablets frequently include the GPS coordinates where the photo was taken in the metadata. Unless you specifically tell your cell phone or tablet NOT to link to GPS there's a good chance that you're broadcasting your physical location every time you upload a photo. Think about that before you Tweet a photo from your son's football game or your sister's birthday party.

30 - Use Foursquare.
I have no idea why the hell people use Foursquare. I consider it actively dangerous. For instance, in about three minutes of browsing I was able to identify a user who is the "Mayor" (person who checks in most frequently) of a bookstore near me. I now also know which train stations he uses most frequently, where he gets gas, where he likes to eat, and that he was a marketing major at UCLA. Sure, his home address is private, but why should that stop someone from tracking him down when he shares the location of his school, train station, favorite hangouts, and the gas station around the corner from his house. Some people have Foursquare set up to automatically check them in to every location they walk past. That means that these users have chosen to share a real-time tracking device with the entire internet. Just in case you hadn't picked up on it, that is a terrible and dangerous idea.

31 - Click on links in your friends' posts.
Go look and entry number 20 again. Don't click on links in your friends' posts or comments - especially if you see the same post in your feed made by different friends (if you see the exact same image with "Check this out!" written underneath by two or more friends, your friends have been the unwitting hosts of spammers - you don't want to join them). If you're unsure about a link, hover over it and see where it's going to send you. If it's a URL that looks incredibly shady, don't click it.

32 - Click on Facebook ads.
I know I mentioned this in entry 19, but Facebook has had serious problems with ads spreading Malware and viruses in the last few years. DO NOT CLICK ON FACEBOOK ADS. Worst case scenario, you end up with difficult-to-remove viruses, best case scenario you learn about "real" singles in your area or fringe political groups; it's a lose-lose scenario. Don't click on Facebook ads.

33 - Friend everyone.
Only friend people you know personally. A large number of the friend requests or follows you get on social media sites are going to come from spambots looking to distribute spam or from real people with ulterior motives. There are literally zero benefits (and some negative effects) of having hundreds of people following your personal Facebook or Twitter. If you friend everyone you are opening the door to spammers, stalkers, thieves, and even just people who you don't really need cluttering up your life. If you have a band or a business page, sure, make that public and follow everyone, but your personal page needs to be at least somewhat private.

Section Five: Downloads

34 - Download desktop customizations.
There are images that you can safely (and freely) download from the internet to use as desktop wallpapers. None of them come from websites that have "wallpaper" as a keyword. There are safe places to download screensavers, but they are so few and far between that it's better not to make the attempt. There are no safe places to download courser or pointer customizations. A Yellow Submarine in place of a mouse pointer is not worth the baggage attached to it. 

35 - Download games.
There are MANY games out there that are safe to download and fun to play - they tend to come from large game companies like Steam. There are MORE games out there that are dangerous to download and fun to play - games that look like slot machines, games that give you a crossword of the day, games that look like Bejewelled or Candy Crush but are cheap or free for download right now! If you are going to download games, research them first (a simple Google search of "is xxxxx a virus?" can save you a lot of headaches) and make sure you really know what you're getting.

36 - Download software.
Probably the most frequently downloaded, updated, and reconfigured software on any given computer is the .PDF reader. Some complete and utter jerks trying to trick nice internet users into downloading something malicious will "helpfully" link to .PDF readers that are full of Spyware and Malware. If you need a .PDF reader and you're confused or worried about a safe .PDF reader, go to Adobe's website. Adobe Acrobat is one of the more widely used .PDF readers and creators - while it is vulnerable to attacks if it is outdated, it is unlikely to house Malware when you download it.
Research ALL of the software that you download. You should never put anything on your computer without understanding it first.

The Adobe Reader download page looks like this. It may not have Malware, but it does have a glaring and all-too-common problem (see entry 37).

37 - Install or download without reading the fine print.
Look at the image above. The page is divided into three columns. In the center column is an optional offer of a free trial for McAfee Security Scan Plus which has been helpfully bundled into the download for you. Security is great, but McAfee is a pretty crappy security system and if you are running another antivirus or security program there's a good chance that McAfee is going to conflict with it. Long story short, if you were to download Adobe Reader without unchecking the box in the middle column of the page your computer might stop working, your antivirus will almost certainly stop working, and you will definitely start getting daily popups telling you to buy McAfee.
Bundling good software with bad software (or even good software with good software when you don't need the second one) is incredibly common and VERY frustrating. Before you download ANYTHING you need to carefully read the fine print of the Terms and Conditions and uncheck any obvious bundles. Once you have done that, you need to carefully read every page of the installation wizard and uncheck any non-obvious bundles. If the program won't allow you to install without a bundled toolbar or security scanner or anything that is not the specific program you want, you need to cancel the installation. If you aren't sure, call someone who knows computers better than you do and ask for help because it will be easier to tell you to stop an installation than it will be to unistall somewhere down the line.

38 - Ignore updates.
Your computer should be scanning for updates regularly and asking you to install updates. It is a good idea to have the computer do this once a week, but not a great idea to have it automatically install updates for you. When you are alerted that you have updates to install, do a Google search on each update to make sure there isn't a problem with it, install the updates that don't have known issues, and wait a week to install updates with known issues to see if those issues have been fixed. If you're not sure that you can be that hands on with updates, set them to automatically install at least once a week.

39 - Download pirated software, movies, or music.
I don't want to discuss the rightness or wrongness of piracy here - all I want to point out is that peer to peer sites have no control over what people are uploading. You may think you're getting a free copy of a new album when you're really getting a nasty virus. Like most of this section, it simply comes down to the fact that you get what you pay for - if you pay for Dexter on DVD you get Dexter on DVD. If you go looking for something free, you get whatever someone is willing to hand you, which may be what you're looking for but might be arsenic in a candy coating.

Section Six: Antivirus Software

40 - Don't use an Antivirus.
If you are using a PC and you don't have antivirus software running right now go to Microsoft's website and install Microsoft Security Essentials. It is a free, basic antivirus that will do a fair (though somewhat minimal) job of protecting your computer. If you are using a Mac and don't think you need an antivirus, you are wrong (and also pretentious); look into Sophos and please install SOME kind of antivirus. There is free antivirus software everywhere, none of them are perfect and some of them are downright awful. There are also paid antivirus software everywhere, and most of them are frustrating (especially because you're paying and they're awful). Where I work we recommend ESET Nod32 Antivirus for both PC and Mac. I have heard some not-awful things about Kaspersky. I would not recommend using Norton or McAfee as they seem to have some pretty significant issues.

41 - Use two antiviruses at the same time.
Most antivirus programs are incompatible with other antivirus programs. Before you install an antivirus program make sure that any trial versions or old versions of other antivirus programs are uninstalled. This also greatly simplifies the single greatest problem that arises from fake antivirus programs - if you only have one antivirus installed and you know what it is, you won't be tricked by a fake program.

Scareware is designed to look like legitimate Antivirus software to scare people into paying to 

"remove" the viruses it has found. Paying for Scareware doesn't fix the problem; the Scareware 

remains on your computer, allows Malware and Viruses onto your system, and now you've given 

your credit card number to the person responsible for infecting you. 

Original image from Haverford.edu.

42 - Get tricked by Scareware.
Scareware is an kind of malicious software that pretends to be a legitimate antivirus program. It usually appears as a popup or a blue screen warning the user that they are infected and it is urgent that they remove the infection. Some kinds of Scareware charge you to remove the viruses, some simply ask you to allow them to run. A new trick that some Scareware is using is to activate your webcam and take a photo of you, claiming that you are being accused of piracy or child pornography. If this sort of thing pops up on your screen DO NOT PAY ANYTHING and DO NOT CLICK ON ANYTHING. Immediately turn your computer off. If you think you can take care of the problem yourself, restart your computer in safe mode and Download and Run the Free Version of Malwarebytes. If you think it's beyond you to remove Scareware call around to local computer repair shops and tell them your computer is infected. Expect to pay at least $140 and to be without your computer for at least two days for a thorough cleaning. By the way, the link in the caption above is an EXCELLENT guide on what to do if you have Scareware.

43 - Ignore your antivirus software.
I find it completely insane that this is still happening. If your antivirus software pops up with a warning that you are infected, listen to it. If your antivirus software pops up a window saying "This site may be infected" or "This document may be infected" or ANYTHING about infection, listen to it. Some people turn off or ignore the warning because "That's my favorite poker site," or "That's the program I do my schoolwork in," or "It wouldn't let me watch my movies," or something along those lines. If you antivirus doesn't want you to use a site, that site is a risk to your computer. If it doesn't want you running a particular program, that program may be exploitable and needs to be updated. If it doesn't want you opening a certain file, that file is infected and is a risk to your computer. People frequently complain to me "but it was doing it all the time," and my response to them is a complete lack of pity - if your antivirus is constantly warning you about risks online, you are engaging in risky online behavior and the antivirus software is not at fault if you ignored or disabled it.

44 - Completely trust your antivirus.
The only way to make sure that you never get a virus is to never go on the internet and that no one but you ever physically touches your computer. Don't think that you can go anywhere and download anything because your antivirus acts like a magic shield. Regularly backing up your files and using safe surfing practices in addition to using a good antivirus will lower your chances of getting infected, but not keep you completely safe.

45 - Let your antivirus expire.
Most antivirus software is subscription based with a one year term. The first year costs from $30-$40 and each subsequent year costs $15-$30, depending on the software. If your antivirus expires on June 15th, you will start getting warnings that it is going to expire as early as May 15th. If you ignore your renewal warnings until you get a virus on October 15th, you are going to regret it.

46 - Don't update your antivirus.
Like operating systems, web browsers, and all other forms of software, antiviruses release new versions and in between new versions they need updates and patches. Unlike other forms of software, antiviruses are CONSTANTLY learning new virus definitions. If you don't regularly update your virus definitions (at least 1-2 times a week) you are at a higher risk for getting infected. Just like last year's flu shot doesn't protect you from this year's flu virus, last week's virus definitions don't protect you from this weeks viruses.

Section Seven: Backups

47 - Never make a backup.
At some point or another, your computer is going to fail. Whether this is due to a virus, hardware failure, or a freak stroke of lightning, it is going to happen. When it does happen, you will be much happier if the video of your daughter's first steps is saved somewhere other than on the hard drive that recently became a coaster.

48 - Make constant backups.
Some of our customers do twice daily backups. These are customers who employ hundreds of people and have nearly a petabyte of storage available to them. Some of our customers make backups twice a week and occasionally lose a day or two's worth of work if their server crashes at the wrong time.  These are customers who have 5-20 employees and don't put too heavy a load on their system. Some of our customers make backups once a year. These are the customers who end up paying a lot of money to try to recover data from a failed hard drive. For a home user I would recommend backing up your files at least every other month, but no more frequently than once a week. If there is a file that you absolutely, positively, just CANNOT afford to lose, manually transfer it to your backup drive, copy it to a USB key, burn it to a DVD and print out a hard copy, because if something is that vital you need to have a healthy respect for Murphy's Law. But backing up too frequently is hard on your system, eats up storage space. Most people can get away with manually backing up their photos, music, movies, and any vital work files once every month or two.

49 - Rely on backups.
Hardware fails, servers crash, and file cabinets are flammable. It would be wonderful if there was a way to make sure that you never lost your big presentation, final thesis draft, family photos, or important insurance documents. It would be wonderful, but it's not going to happen. The best advice that I can give you is redundancy. It is unlikely that your hard drive is going to fail. It is less likely that your hard drive is going to fail at the same time as you backup drive fails. It is even less likely that your hard drive and backup drive are going to fail at the same time as your cloud storage fails. It is less likely still that your hard drive, backup drive, and cloud storage will fail on the same day that your house catches fire. It is far less likely that your hard drive, backup drive, and cloud storage will fail while your house is on fire and your safety deposit box is getting swept away in a flood. So decide what level of likelihood is comfortable for your level of paranoia and try to make sure your backup plan is comfortably backed up.

Section Eight: Scams
Some of this is stuff more properly covered in the email section, but scams are such a big deal that they deserve their own section. If you're concerned that something may be a scam, do a Google search for the company name, and as a good general practice regularly look for common Consumer Frauds and Scams and check out the Fraud page of Snopes.com to know what to watch out for.

50 - Give your account number to someone in Nigeria.
No millionaire from ANYWHERE is going to be contacting you to transfer their money safely for a small finder's fee. Never, ever, under any circumstances forward money via Western Union to, give your account number to, or cash checks for a person who you have never seen. You will not only lose money, you may possibly be prosecuted for fraud. If you get an email from someone with bad grammar claiming that they could be of great benefit to you, they are lying - delete the email (or text message, or hang up the phone.)

51 - Don't check out their story.
This is a sad one that happens mostly to elderly people and has had a lot of help from Facebook: If your grandchild, niece, or nephew calls you and asks for money for a hospital bill or bail or bail in another country, call their parents and ask where the younger relative is, or call the younger relative's cell phone number. Scammers will call older people who may be hard of hearing, impersonate a young relative, and make off with thousands of dollars. If you get a call or a text from an urgent grandchild, as harsh as it sounds, check and make sure that it is your grandchild. In order to protect yourself in the meantime, make sure that your online accounts are visible only to your friends and family.

52 - Have faith in advertising.
Websites like FinallyFast and CleanMyPC are scams. They do not make your computer faster, they "find" viruses and "remove" them while actually installing Malware and charging your money for the trouble. Just because something is advertised on TV or on the radio does not mean that it is safe to use. Before you go to any website or use any program, do some research on that product. If most of the searches pop up with "Is xxxx a scam?" or "Xxxxx is not a scam," you probably don't want it on your computer.

53 - Be the base of a pyramid.
Pyramid schemes have extended their reach in the era of the internet. Remember that the words "get rich quick" are a warning sign, and that if you generate more income by signing up subordinate employees than you do by selling a product, you are embroiled in a Pyramid or a Ponzi scheme. If you are not sure whether or not a company is a Pyramid scheme, do some research (though yes, Herbalife, MonaVie, MaryKay, and Amway are all considered Pyramid schemes.) If you think that you may have lost money due to the misrepresentation of a Pyramid or Ponzi scheme, consider making a report to the FTC.

Section Nine: Hardware and Media

54 - Trust physical media.
We've already gone over why you shouldn't trust attachments in emails, but trusting physical media (such as CDs, DVDs, and USB keys) isn't a good option either. You can trust CDs and DVDs (writable only, not RW) that you have burned to be free of viruses and malware, and physical media that comes from a store is probably safe too, but be cautious with USB keys that you have loaned to or borrowed from friends, and never put any physical media that you have found in you computer. Think of it as potato salad. Potato salad in a container from the store is very unlikely to give you food poisoning. Potato salad that your friends make is maybe slightly more likely to make you sick (especially if you know your friend has poor hygiene). Potato salad that you find on a bench at the park, or sitting in a container on the sidewalk, is very likely to make you sick and should not be put in your body. Similarly, you should not put any media in your computer that comes from a suspicious source.

55 - Don't know the limitations of your hardware and media.
My little sister said something to me the other day that startled me, largely because of how common her attitude has become. She told me that her backup hard drive was five years old, and when I recommended that she replace it she scoffed and said "this one still works. I'm not going to replace something that isn't broken." So I'll just break this down for all of you based on the standards my company adheres to.
 - Desktop computers are good for about 5 years of work.
 - Laptops get an estimated three years.
 - Servers are expected to start failing at about 5 years.
 - Hard drives have an expected lifespan of maybe 3 years for the very high end ones, one to two years for the cheaper ones.
 - USB keys, if stored properly, can last up to 5 years.
 - Regular CDs and DVDs can store data for 5-10 years (depending on how they're stored)
 - Archival quality CDs and DVDs can store data for 10 years or more.
If my sister waits until her hard drive fails to replace it, she is going to lose everything on that hard drive. Keep an eye on your technology and make sure you're aware of when it's getting old and when it might be time to replace it. A computer isn't like a car, where parts can be replaced every once in a while to keep it running; computers need to be replaced on a fairly regular basis to function well and interact with the outside world well.

Section Ten: Viruses, Spyware, Malware, Ransomware

56 - Ignore the possibility of a virus/malware
It's hard to tell just by looking whether or not a website is safe to use, but just because a site LOOKS safe doesn't mean that it IS. Larger sites (Google, Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, YouTube) tend to be less prone to infection because they pay for better protection services; smaller sites run by people who aren't expert users tend to be attacked more frequently. However ALL sites are vulnerable to attack, and if they are infected, all sites can infect your computer. If you want to be extra cautions, go to Norton Web Safe or AVG Threat Labs and look up the URL of websites you want to visit so you can be sure they're not infected before you expose your computer to malware.

57 - Pay for a virus
Any time a window pops up and demands money from you to remove a virus, pay a fee, or decrypt your data, it is never legitimate and you should never pay for it. Rogue antivirus software pretends to be an antivirus program and charges you money while infecting your computer. The FBI Virus pops up a warning about piracy, child pornography, or gambling; activates your webcam; takes a photo of you; and finally demands that you pay a fee for "violating the laws of" whichever agency it's pretending to be. Ransomware encrypts your files and tells you to send a MoneyPak or Western Union transfer to get a decryption key. DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE. Paying doesn't get rid of the problem. Rogue Antivirus and FBI Viruses won't be removed if you pay the fee, and doing so only ensures that your credit card number is in the hands of very untrustworthy people. If you're dealing with malware or a virus that uses scare tactics or follows the FBI virus pattern, take your computer to the local computer shop and have them clean it for you. If you have Ransomware, I'm very sorry to tell you that you are probably not getting your data back. Take the computer and your install discs (and any backups that you have) to your local computer shop, have them wipe the computer and reinstall. But one way or another, don't pay for a virus. It won't make your system any safer, it won't get your data back, and it encourages the perpetuation of the problem.

Section Eleven: Wireless Networks

58 - Trust a wireless network.
Wireless networks are inherently less secure than wired networks. A fantastic example of this is Firesheep - an extension for Mozilla Firefox that allows users to observe the activities of other people using the same wireless network. While using WPA and WPA2 protected networks provides some level of protection, you should be suspicious of all wireless networks and try to make sure that any financial transactions are conducted in a more secure venue.

59 - Allow access to your wireless network.
If your wireless network is open people can snoop on your activity and that's a problem; the bigger problem is that other people can use your network for their own ends and kill your bandwidth, jack up your bill if you have a bandwidth cap on your service, and potentially get you in trouble for the illegal things that they download. Put a password on your wireless, especially if you live in an apartment building with lots of neighbors in close proximity.

Section Twelve: Passwords

60 - Don't use a password.
A password is the easiest way to protect your computer and your identity online. You should set up an admin account on any computers you own and require an admin password to install any program on your computer - this simple step would save a lot of people from a lot of infections, if only they would set it up.

61 - Use simple passwords.
A lot of our lives are spent online these days. Billions of people access the internet daily, and all of these people have multiple accounts that require a login. A lot of people are busy and don't want to think up and then type in complicated passwords with varied cases and punctuation marks, so they just type in something simple - a word in all lower-case letters, a single number or letter repeated multiple times, and so on. Don't do this. If your password is an actual word, if it is simple, if it is the same character repeated multiple times, it is not a good enough password and needs to be upgraded. Make your password as long as possible, include letters, numbers, and characters to make it as secure as you can.

62 - Use a common password.
Most common passwords are simple passwords; they're strings of digits, repeated characters, simple words, well known fictional characters or sports teams, common first names, and so on. Look at this list of the 500 most common passwords (sorry, some of them are rude) and NEVER, EVER USE ONE OF THESE PASSWORDS - they're the first ones any good cracker will try when trying to get into an account.

63 - Use the same password across multiple accounts.
With email, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Tumblr, Imgur, Reddit, Google+, Banking sites, Ticketmaster accounts, and the million other things that people sign on to, it's no wonder that people want to use the same password for every account. Don't. If you use the same password for all of your accounts someone only has to figure it out ONCE to take over your entire online life.

64 - Don't change your passwords.
If you've had the same password on your email account since you started that email account, it's time to change it. You may have let your password slip once to an ex, or not realized that your friend was watching you type it, or left it written down on a post-it at work; one way or another, the longer you've had a password, the more chances there are that someone else knows that it's your password. Change your passwords at least once a year.

65 - Write your passwords down.
There is no point in having a secret password protecting your encrypted computer or your online life if you are going to write it down and leave it next to your computer (or drop it on the ground, or throw it away and let someone digging through the trash find it). Seriously, don't write your password down unless you're comfortable giving anyone who could possibly find that piece of paper unfettered access to your life.

66 - Tell people your passwords.
I hate the idea that some couples know each others email and Facebook passwords. What if you break up? What if you get a divorce? What happens if you tell your siblings your password and then you have a falling out? What happens if you tell your roomate your password and then you're late with rent? I don't understand it. Don't tell anyone your passwords unless you're comfortable with them having insight into your entire life (even your husband or wife doesn't need to know your taste in porn or what's in your Amazon shopping cart, seriously).

67 - Automatically log in to accounts.
If you're going to have all of your accounts remember your password and keep you logged in at all times, you might as well not bother with a password. All it takes is one instance of forgetting to log out and all of a sudden the next person using that computer has your life in their hands.


So, I was initially going to go for 100 ways to screw up your life, but I'm stopping at 67 for now because that's all I can think of to keep most people out of computer trouble. As I see more examples at work and around the web, I'll update the list and we'll see if we can someday make it to 100.

                    - Cheers, Alli